You have to forgive constantly to have peace within yourself, but forgiving is easier said than done sometimes. Forgiveness is a lifestyle; it isn't just a once in a while event. For some of us forgiving comes more easily than others. For example, if you are a selfish, self-centered, or a free spirited person who lives your life on a whim you may forgive easier than others, because you lack awareness of other people's feelings, and you want to live your life the way you choose without thinking of the harm you may cause others, and most of the time that type of person is the one who needs to be forgiven for what they did the most. On the other hand, if you are a kind, stoic, or a perfectionist and you go out your way to be nice to others you may find yourself holding on to bad feelings due to being offended by someone because you know you go out your way to not cause harm or be a bother to others so you expect the same courtesy to be extended onto you, but unfortunately life doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes forgiving someone can be easier to do if you have a conversation with the offender and get insight to why the person did or said what they did, and the forgiving process can be easier by knowing the reasons why you should forgive.
1. You never know what someone is going through
It's not you, it's them. In other words, the offense they committed says more about them than it says about you. Some people are so involved with their own thoughts and what's going on in their lives that they are angry on the inside. When one is angry it can put fearlessness in them. One tends to say anything they want. Their thoughts may be distorted, and they don't care about what they say and how it affects others at the moment. They may be sad, angry, and broken on the inside, and they don't know or love themselves and they may not be conscious of that fact. If one is lacking the grace to love or be kind to themselves, they certainly don't have the capacity to extend it to you. I have myself been in situations where I have been nice and went out of my way to be nice and there were individuals who just didn't like me, so I adjusted, and I mirrored or reflected their actions they had towards me, and they still did not like me. I realized it wasn't just about me they didn't like themselves. I learned I had to be me and not worry about being misunderstood or trying to be perfect as long as it was the healthiest version of me.
2. There might be a misunderstanding about the situation.
It is no secret that none of us are perfect. So, it is possible that we may have interpreted something someone said or did the wrong way. Something also could have been said or done without knowledge of offending someone, or the offense was said or done without malice. Sometimes people can be unknowingly or unintentionally rude. This is why communication is so important. If someone offended you, tell them in a tactful and respectful manner. Tell them how you feel. If the person is genuine, they should apologize or let you know they did not mean it how you took it, or maybe that is just who they are, and no one ever corrected them before. If this is the case, it may be done again out of habit. This is where you have to ask yourself, is this something I can put up with, or do you want to continuously remind the person until their behavior changes, if they are willing to change. You may have to free each other of the relationship because you may just not be compatible if they are offending you unintentionally and there is nothing to forgive because they are just being themselves.
3. To free yourself from the pain.
Freeing yourself may be the most common reason we are told to forgive. Not only do we need to forgive others we need to forgive ourselves and others to free ourselves. One of the most important commandments in the Bible is "Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:37-39). In other words, there is no way we can possibly love others properly if we don't love ourselves first. In addition, we cannot clear anyone of their offenses within us if we do not clear ourselves of our own. The guilt or shame we carry around when we were offensive to others have to be addressed by bringing it to the surface by talking it out, and not running away from it anymore. Be willing to forgive yourself and allow God to do the rest. Allow yourself to grieve, get up, and let it go. If it resurfaces in your mind, change the channel in your head by thinking of something else and/or meditate on the word of God. Once we give ourselves grace then we can give it to others. Go through this same process with offenses made toward you as they come up, and they will. Do it immediately unless you are so angry that you need to cool down first, so you don't raise your voice or say the wrong thing. Don't forget the way we react can turn us into the bad guy to others instead of it being acknowledged that we were provoked. Anger is okay, you just have to have self-control and handle it the right way. Be firm, talk to people but don't use any personal attacks. When you surrender and just be willing to forgive the offending party eventually the bad feelings will go away. For some of us this process takes longer than for others. Just surrender to the process and you will get there. When the offense comes back up don't dwell, and on it let it go. At this point you should have already grieved which means, you should have gotten angry, cried, and vented to someone. The spoken words may come up again and sting don't allow yourself to dwell on it. Let it go, because God will handle it.
4. God will handle it
God tells us in the Bible that He will handle it (Romans 12:19). If we get offended, we can instantly forgive. Yes, it is possible for it to be that simple. If we have this strong faith in God, we do have the power to just not let people get to us. I have seen it time and time again, when I don't allow myself to be offended by someone else's judgments or actions God allows them to get a new perspective by allowing them to have my same experience that they were judging me on, or they have some kind of epiphany on what they did or said and they came back and apologized, or they don't acknowledge their wrongdoing but proceed with a better outlook. "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."(Romans 12:19) I believe one of the reasons God says this is because he knows what is in our hearts. When someone says or does something to you God knows if their heart is malicious or not. If we deal with the problem ourselves, we may give a punishment to someone that may not deserve it, or the punishment may not fit the crime, or we may not do a sufficient job at punishing someone. God is all-knowing. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Even though we may not see the person get their get back it should not be our concern. We need to live this life to the fullest and knowing that God has our back will allow you to achieve this.
5. God instructed us to do it.
Do as you are told. Growing up some of us were told by our elders, "do what I tell you, not what I do." Well, in this case God has set an example for us to follow. God sent his son to die on the cross for our sins and in His journey, He had to constantly forgive. When Jesus was asked by Peter, "how many times do we forgive?" Jesus responded, 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:22). Jesus did exactly that, forgave over and over. Even though some people treated Him horrendous He continued to love and save us by performing the ultimate sacrifice. If you need a reason to be convinced to forgive someone, His sacrifice for us, and because He told us to forgive is it. The one reason you need to forgive is to honor God by doing what He told us to do. Everything He tells us is for our good. If it is for nothing else or no one else even it is not for yourself forgive simply because God told you to.
6. Some people just don't care.
Not to sound too harsh, but sometimes people just don't care about you being mad. There are people around us that we call our friends, but sometimes we give people titles in our lives that they don't deserve. We don't get to choose our family, and sometimes even some of them don't care for us, or we don't care for them, or the feeling is mutual. We are sometimes in one sided relationships where we care more for the people in our lives than they care for us. So, if they say or do something offensive, and they don't care how we feel about it or how we feel about them instead of letting those feelings marinate, forgive. It is just not worth it. This does not mean we have to continue to allow those people in our lives or excuse them for their actions. It just means letting go of the anger. If you need to defend yourself or correct a lie, do that, but stay calm and talk firmly and tactfully, but if they respond by saying something plain out mean and try to provoke a reaction out of you, you do not even have to address it any further. You should walk away and let God have that. That behavior is something you don't have to deal with or tolerate.
Conclusion
Let's face it, we all have bad days which can cause our behavior to be off sometimes, so if you know you said something out of anger or from a misunderstanding of what someone said you should talk it out and apologize. It takes a big person to own up to their mistakes and we should choose to be a big person. Being the bigger person also means forgiving when someone hurts you. Sometimes the beginning stages of becoming a bigger person is understanding the reason why people are the way they are in general or in that moment of the offense. We can give them the empathy they may or may not deserve by understanding the motive behind their words or actions. We've covered some reasons why we should forgive, but what should forgiveness look like or what does it entail?
I think forgiveness looks different depending on the people involved and the situation at hand. I asked someone older and wiser than me, what does forgiveness look like to them? As they paused to think about the question they replied, "when the anger is no longer there. When the heaviness in your heart goes away." I continued with a follow up question, "do you think if you let them go, and no longer speak to them you have not forgiven?" She said, "no, you should be able to speak to the person if you have truly forgiven." I further asked, "what if they are toxic or you just don't get along with one another and it is best for you to part ways and you feel lighter without speaking to them?" They agreed that forgiveness can look this way in that case.
You can part ways as long as you are not carrying the weight of the offense around with you. I think forgiveness can change or look different as time passes. I once read in the book,
Destined to Win by Kris Vallotton, that support my own thoughts and feelings about forgiveness; that having negative feelings towards that person and not trusting them does not mean you have not forgiven them. (that's a sigh of relief, right?). You can still not like the person you just made up in your mind that you have forgiven them. It is a commitment. For example, if you saw them stranded on the side of the road you may not like them, but you still will help. The way I personally check myself to see if I have forgiven or if I don't care anymore is, asking myself, do I want them to hurt the way they hurt me? If the answer is no, then I know I have forgiven them. It takes time for me to get to that point though. I think the beginning of the forgiveness process should look like prayer, submitting the situation to God, and time - step by step, day by day it will all work out.
Thank you for reading this article I hope you found it helpful and informative.
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