How To Tell If You Have Forgiven Someone?
You have forgiven someone if you don't feel like you need revenge, or your need to handle the situation yourself is gone.
When I heard Tony Evans express this, I knew this was true from my own experiences, because this is how I use to evaluate if I have forgiven or gotten over an ex-boyfriend. I would gauge if I wanted them to feel the pain that I felt. If I didn't want them to hurt the way they made me hurt, I felt like I knew I had forgiven them.
I know what some of you may be asking in your mind... Did you get revenge on the ex-boyfriends who hurt you?
The answer is, NO!
Now, I didn't do anything to handle the situation myself unlike Stassi Schroeder in her book Next Level Basic, when she got revenge on some of her ex-boyfriends for cheating on her. She did things like keyed cars and broke into their social media accounts and changed handlers and deleted photos, but she said she regretted it because although it felt good in the moment, the next day she felt pathetic. She said, the worst break up advice she was given was to get even, and she advises to not do it.
We see here that handling the situation yourself doesn't help you forgive nor make you feel better. So, it is better to allow God to handle it. We will see in the following examples that when God handles the situation it keeps you away from feeling bad.
Unlike Stassi, Esau and Joseph in the Bible didn't get revenge, but Esau planned to, and Joseph thought about it. Let me explain their stories real quick so you can see what I mean.
Esau and Jacob were twin brothers, and Esau was the older brother. One day Jacob pretended to be Esau and went to their sick, blind father, Issac, and tricked him into giving him the blessing meant for Esau. Esau was furious and planned to take Jacob's life. Rebecca, their mom, learned of Esau's plan and told Jacob to leave and go live with her side of the family in another country. Jacob left and years later God told him to go back. Jacob sent servants with messages and gifts ahead of him to prepare Esau for his return, and when Jacob met up with Esau, Jacob bowed down seven times as they were approaching one another, and he was welcomed with open arms from Esau. Esau was happy to have him come back and had forgiven him.
Similarly, Jacob's son Joseph had to forgive his brothers, but it seemed as though revenge did cross Joseph's mind, but he didn't go through with it because he feared God and he had faith that God allowed everything to happen for the greater good.
Some of the backstory was Joseph was sold into slavery by his half-brothers (they all had the same father; Joseph and his little brother Benjamin's mother was Rachel.) because they were jealous of him because he was his father's favorite child, and he dreamed that they would one day bow to him. I don't know why Joseph told them that because it took them over the edge, and they planned to kill him, but they ended up selling him into slavery. Beyond his control and fault, Jacob endured slavery and prison, but nonetheless, God was with him. Joseph eventually became second in command in Egypt because of his God given gift to interpret dreams. He interpreted Pharaoh's dream and Pharaoh rewarded him with a high position in the country. As Egypt was giving out of food Joseph sold the food that was stored up for the famine, he explained would come in Pharaoh's dream. When his brothers came looking for food, he gave his brothers a little bit of a hard time and tested them by accusing them of crimes they could be punished for. For example, he planted a silver cup on his youngest brother Benjamin and accused him of stealing it and one of his oldest brothers tried to bargain with Joseph to punish him instead of Benjamin because their father already lost a child that belonged to Rachel, Joseph and Benjamin's mother, and he couldn't bear to lose another one because they were the only two from her and he loved her. I believe Joseph was trying to test would his brothers do to Benjamin what they did to him, but they didn't and Joseph saw the remorse and he ended up revealing his true identity and embraced his brothers, and Joseph encouraged them to forgive themselves for what they had done to him, and he let them know it was God who allowed his situation so he could save lives from the famine.
We see here that when we allow God to handle the situation it allows God to grow the perpetrator and redeem the victim.
I noticed that Jacob and Joseph's brothers showed that they had grown from what they had done and that may be one of the contributing factors on why Esau and Joseph found it in their heart to forgive.
For instance, in the book The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish she received some negative comments by a couple of male comedians, and they ended up apologizing to her, so she is cool with them now. On the contrary, there was another situation in her book where a promoter lied on her and when she confronted him, he denied the lie instead of apologizing and she still does not speak to him until this day. Tiffany stated she can respect someone who can apologize, and obviously it helps her to forgive.
Looking at the examples above the following can help you to forgive:
- Time
- Love
- Faith in God
- Fear of God
- The perpetrator changes, asks for forgiveness, and shows remorse.
If you are having trouble forgiving, take time, and be patient with yourself and ask and pray for God to soften your heart and help you to forgive.
In conclusion, when you don't feel the need to do something back to someone, to get your lick back against someone who has done wrong to you, or you don't need them to hurt the way they hurt you, this is your sign that you have moved on and forgave.
Thank you for reading this article. I hope you found it helpful and informative.
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