How to Choose a Friend?

 

                                                                                

You should choose friends by asking God to choose your friends for you. The Bible tells us not to be joined together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-17); although we need to love and do right by all people, we need to be careful with who we are friends with. In order to determine if someone is a decent person, pay attention to their fruit, or their character. Whatever is stored up in their heart will show itself outwardly. (Luke 6:43-45).

If a potential friend comes into your life, evaluate the person's character and spirit with the following fruits of the spirit found in Galatians 5:22.

• Do they exemplify love?
• Do they have joy?
• Do they have peace?
• Are they patient?
• Are they kind?
• Do you see goodness in them?
• Are they faithful?
• Are they gentle?
• Do they have self-control?

 When evaluating these traits, keep in mind that we are human; and therefore, we are not perfect. The point here is to make sure they have a good, pure spirit and heart. We are in different stages in our life journey, so when we get off track, we have to be willing to forgive and help one another get back on track when we get off course. That is why it is important to start off with a solid foundation by knowing the person is a believer and has the Holy Spirit, so we know who to let go of or who to stick out the tough times with. Good friends are hard to find so you need to know who your friend is truly.

How do you know if someone is truly your friend? 

In regard to your existing friendships, after you have evaluated their character with the above list, next evaluate your friendships with the qualities of a good friendship using the following list: 

Qualities of a good friendship are:

• Encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
• Forgive each other (Colossians 3:13).
• Help each other (Ecclesiastes 4:9,10) (1 Peter 4:9,10).
• Love each other (1Peter 4:8-10; John 15:12-13; Proverbs 17:17).
• Strengthen each other. (1 Thessalonians 5:10-12)
• Listen and be present for each other (Proverbs 19:20).
• Be kind to each other (Ephesians 4:32).
• Pray for each other (Job 42:10).
• Celebrate each other. (Romans 12:10)
• Be loyal to each other. (Romans 12:10, Job 6:14)
• Learn from each other. (Proverbs 19:20)
• Correct each other. (Proverbs 19:20)
• Be patient with each other. (Ephesians 4:2-3). 

In this list you will notice a friendship is mutually beneficial, a give and take. When you have a genuine friendship there will be a natural exchange of goodness. By natural I mean there will not be anyone keeping records of what one is doing for the other you will do for one another because you want to because there is mutual love there. In some cases, there will be a relationship where one is doing more for the other and all the other can give back is love. For example, a relationship between a parent/guardian and a disabled child/adult, or a parent and a child, or even a pet owner and a pet.

 If the relationship isn't built on love, a pure heart, and good spirit once the benefit of the relationship is gone the relationship will eventually end as well. If the relationship does not have a solid foundation of a good heart and spirit in all the parties in the friendship, there will be an observation of a lack of benefits in the relationship and there will be record keeping of the things that you are doing and not getting back and/or vice versa. 

For example, in the book, Fearless by Rebecca Minkoff , a book about rules and lessons Minkoff learned from her experiences building her business she had a friend that was an editor that lost her job and some of her business friends stopped responding to her emails, text messages, and stopped inviting her to go workout. Once the benefit of the relationship ended the communication ended; however, a year later, she got a bigger job and within a day of her new job those same business friends that stopped talking to her contacted her and invited her to workout with them again. Minkoff's friend was hurt by this, thinking these people were her friends when in reality they were only associated with her for the benefits of business from being around her. 

 In order to avoid this, do the following:

1. Pray and ask God is this person or these people someone you should be friends with or just have a business relationship with or neither.

2. Trust God.

3. Find out if the person is a Christian but beware everyone who claims to be a Christian isn't one in their heart.

4. Pay attention to the character of the person. Do they have the following qualities: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?

5. Pay attention to their actions, is the relationship mutual beneficial? Spiritually, is the friendship bringing all parties involved joy, peace, love?  Mentally, is the friendship bringing all parties involved healthy and good thoughts and a Godly perspective on life? Physically, what are their actions? Are all parties involved giving and receiving and helping and serving one another without anyone being taken advantage of?

As you have seen in the example above with Minkoff's friend, actions can be deceiving because people can con or mislead you with their actions. I thought that actions solely were the answer or the sign in order to tell if someone is truly your friend, but God showed me differently. When I was reading the Bible I saw that Judas, the disciple who betrayed Jesus, greeted Jesus with a kiss (a friendly action) on the cheek, signaling to the officials who Jesus was so they could arrest Him (Matthew 26:47-56). We look at a kiss as a gesture of love, but the truth is actions can be used as a tool to deceive someone into thinking something is true that isn't. If we only go by actions, we possibly will not know the truth about someone until it is too late. We need to catch the signs if someone is not our friend before something goes wrong. Now, Jesus knew what Judas was doing. God knows our, thoughts, our hearts, intentions, and motives that is why we need to pray and stay in communication with Him so He can lead and guide us into all truths. 

In furtherance, although we shouldn't depend solely on actions to show who our true friends are, actions are important and there can be truth in them. For instance, in the book Becoming by Michell Obama,  she explains, how she could tell who was around for their own benefit because they would hover "at the edges of [their] friend groups seeming a little too eager". The actions of her true friends were unselfish and held her together by helping with her kids, errands, and there for her for emotional support. She states, "Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses like these, swapped back and forth and over again." This reiterates what I was telling you before, a friendship has reciprocity. 

Even our relationship with God has reciprocity, for instance: God loves us, so He sent Jesus to save us (John 3:16). God wants us to believe Him and love Him back, and He says, if we love Him, we will obey Him. One way we obey Him is loving each other and serving one another, so our actions are an expression of that love.  If we have faith in God by believing He gave Jesus, His son, up for us to save us, He will give us eternal life and the Holy Spirit (John 3:16 and John 14:15).  If we have faith and ask for something in Jesus's name, He will do it. (John 14:12-14). Jesus will even be our friend.

An indication if Jesus considers you a friend is if He gives you inside information about His father's business (John 15:15).

 I think 1 Samuel 20, is a good example of this. Johnathan found out that his father, Saul, wanted to get rid of David and Johnathan confirmed to David that information. Johnathan was showing himself to be a loyal and trustworthy friend to David by giving inside information about his father's intentions. It is the same in our friendships today. An indication if someone is truly your friend is if they are telling you inside information into their life compared to what others may know. 

For example, I had a friend that we used to tell each other about almost everything and it stopped. We still talked here and there, and I was still sharing my inside information or my secrets, and one day God opened my eyes and showed me that this person wasn't my friend anymore. They were telling my business I was telling them to other people and holding back what was going on in their life. I knew they were telling my business because mutual associates would unknowingly share snippets of what I shared with my "friend" to me. It happened more than once or twice for it to be just a coincidence.

Another example that shows that inside information is an indication of a true friendship is, I just recently spoke with an old friend, and she said, "you were my best friend, I told you everything".  She was essentially saying, because you were my best friend, I trusted you and therefore told you my business. 

So, if you want to detect if someone is your friend, check out what they are comfortable sharing with you. Are they being vulnerable and giving you inside information into their life?

 It makes sense if you think about it, we usually don't just go around telling people vulnerable information about ourselves freely. There are certain things we share with certain people in our life depending on the closeness and dependability of that person. There are some people who just don't meet any strangers and talk too much. At times I feel like I talk too much and may give some of my business to people I don't know. I was thinking, why did I do this in the past? Some of the reasons I can think of are: 

1. I needed to confide in someone.

 I needed to get my feelings off my chest so I could release the stress, but instead of talking to them I should have talked to God. 

2. I was trying to give them someone to relate to.

I saw they were going through something, so I wanted to give them comfort by showing them that I understood by telling them about my similar situation to make them feel less alone or better about their situation. 

3. I thought of people as my friends too early.

 I thought someone was my friend until they showed me otherwise. I had to learn that everyone isn't honest, and everyone isn't my friend. I just naturally thought that most people are trustworthy. I naively had my trust in people instead of God, so when some people disappointed me, it hurt more than it had to if I would have just had my trust in God instead of man. I go into more details about trust in my post "Who Should You Trust".

4. Being naive and talking too much.

 I would get so caught up in a conversation and not listen to that nudge in me telling me to be quiet. That's pride, not surrendering to what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you. I guess they were talking so I decided to talk too. 

I think some of it may boil down to some people are more open than others and they have processed what they have been through and have learned from it and are ready to share the lessons from their experiences. Sometimes, it is just easier to talk to strangers because we don't know them and it is a clean slate, or maybe we just don't have a connection to the point where we care what they think, and it is more about us being selfish and needing to get whatever it is that is bothering us, out, or it could be, it is instinctively something about them that we feel we can trust, or maybe it is we don't need to feel like we trust them because we will not see them again so they can't bring it back up to us or use it against us because they aren't our friends.

In conclusion:

 We should choose a friend by letting God choose for us. Pray for a friend and confirm they are from God by evaluating their spirit, and you can tell if someone is truly your friend if the friendship has a natural flow of love showing reciprocity without anyone being taken advantage of, and inside information into each other's lives.

Thank you for reading this article I hope you found it helpful and informative. 

A list of products found in this article.

Please note: Paid links are included in this article. "As an Ebay Partner I earn from qualifying purchases." 

1. Fearless by Rebecca Minkoff - This book is an inspiration to go after your dreams. It is about rules and lessons Minkoff learned from her experiences building her business.

2. Becoming by Michelle Obama - This book is about Mrs. Obama's journey on the way to success as a human and her accomplishments as first lady of the United States.